I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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