literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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