i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
and you fell through a lawn chair
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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