If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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