i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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