OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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