No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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