My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
