Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
