If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
