A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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