someone threw a dead crab at me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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