you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My penis needs a shock collar
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
