I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
