he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i dont even know how to be here
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
