They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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