WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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