The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
