my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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