PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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