I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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