Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
