At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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