So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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