i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
