How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
