I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
