I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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