i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
