I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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