I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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