i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize