My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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