haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
