my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
