my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
