Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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