I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Two words: blizzard sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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