Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
