I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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