first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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