You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
