Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
