i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
