its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
