You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
