Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
