no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How does it feel to date your dad?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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