i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Found your dick twin last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
