can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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