If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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