Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
