There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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