I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
