I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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