the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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