Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
