when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
